Long overdue

SO I haven't written in a LOOOOOONG while! And I don't know why I stopped! It's such a good release for me. What I write about often changes. Used to be a lot of God and Jesus and how to live a compassionate life. Then how I wasn't ready for any relationship. Then how I got in one and it broke me down.... And now, I think it's time to share some real, deep, personal issues and thoughts. 24 has been a good, crazy, fun year, but also one of the shittiest, heart wrenching awful years yet... I'll get to it all eventually, I'm sure. I'm not trying to dwell in the past, but hoping that writing down the past will help me move forward to my future... It's amazing what you learn about yourself as you write.

I feel like a Carrie Bradshaw - Who by the way, has inspired and empowered me in a lot of ways - but my blogs may be a lot about dating, because that's just where I am in my life right now. Some call it boy crazy. I call it loneliness in search to fill an empty void (which BTW - no man can really fill....).

So yeah, I'm kind of messed up, but I'm ready to share, and hope maybe you can learn from my mistakes... I've made many!

-Kinna

Self Validation

Still wrestling with this... Never posted this! Figured I should:
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Is it just me, or do you search for validity in others?  Typically I need to hear that I am loved, that I am doing a good job, and/or that I am a good person in order to believe it.  But not only be told that once, but to be reminded of it.  I am a words of affirmation kind of gal.  I need to be told what it good, and what is bad to affirm what I believe.

Now that being said, while I don't think it's an awful cross to bear, it does make it difficult to go through life... When I don't receive validation from my loved ones, bosses, co-workers, the people I date, I tend to doubt myself, rather harshly.  I need to know from others that I am OK.  But why do I need the approval of others?

If I am a certain way, love myself for that, and am secure in that "way", then shant that be enough?!?!

Funk

So I'm in a funk...

Just got out of a 4.5 month "relationship" - I've never really been in one and I wasn't sure about diving into this one but I did. And it was amazing, in the beginning. And then it got hard. And then it was really hard. And then it was just awful and I was constantly unhappy... and then I did something stupid...

So then we break up, really amazing break-up. Decided to stay friends and see where life lands us in January when he graduates. Sounds great right? It sucks. It's so hard... I see him and I still think boyfriend. Then when I look for comfort in the fact that maybe he misses me too, he tells me "a lil, but we should stay friends cuz I'm so busy"...

It's over, I'm free, I can date and meet people. I'm happy, but I'm dying inside, pretty much all the time. Why doesn't he miss me? I'm a hell of a catch. I was soooo loving to him, and patient, and understanding. WTF is all I can think.

Now I'm just angry which ain't healthy either. But it helps with the pain. Except when I think of being the rebound. I'm in no rush to get into another relationship cuz this breaking up stuff is hard to do. But I miss being with someone. I'm lonely, but I don't want to go back.

I need someone who makes time for me.
I need someone who asks about my dad.
I need someone who can't get enough of me.
I need someone who won't make me feel inconvenient.
Someone who makes me feel like the only woman in the room.
Someone who is honest with me.
Someone who believes in Jesus and is actively pursuing it.
Someone who thinks the world of me.
Someone who can make me laugh.
Someone who thinks I'm funny (cuz I think I am haha)


And I want to find that person and be the same for them... maybe in time...

Eh, I'm done writing. I'm feeling a little better. Hope this post ain't a bore ;)

It's scary when life is so good...

Do you ever notice how when things just start going so well for you in life, you think you've figured things out, you maybe start falling for someone, you're excited for new adventures, the people you love are happy and in good health, ya know... when things are just going well... and then all of a sudden they're not.

I always get scared when I'm really happy, because I know something is about to creep around the corner and destroy it. I try to live into that happiness while it lasts because it's sooooo amazing... but I try to keep a distance so that when it's over it doesn't hurt quite as bad. 

However, it always hurts... rejection, loneliness, pain, sorrow, disappointment, fear, anger, resentment... seem to creep their way back in.

My life, as I'm sure many peoples life, is just on big Katy Perry song.... Hot and Cold.

Resolutions - why wait til New Years?!

So i'm all for people making goals for themselves, and if they need the boost of New Years to help them set goals, then great! At least they're setting them right?!?! But i say, why wait?! Why wait to improve your life somehow. Why not today (well, today is New Years, but ya know what i mean)?!?!

i made a goal for myself at the end of July that i wanted to lose 100 pounds in a year. i've already lost 60 and it's been roughly 5 months. So i'm over half way there! YAY! But now i'm thinking more, ok i want to have lost 100lbs by the end of May, and i want to train to run in a half marathon after i've lost all that weight.

i try to make goals for myself everyday, whether it's "today i'm going to be a better teacher in this aspect" or "i'm going to eat perfectly" or "i'm going to talk to a homeless person" or "i'm going to actively set aside time to do nothing and sit in silence". i don't physically write them down or always consciously think about it, but i am always trying to improve, move forward ya know!?

Nobody's perfect right? but i'm pretty sure we all have aspirations in life, and i say why wait? Do it today! Be happy today! Be healthy NOW! Love someone NOW! Make a difference NOW! Start saving to go on that trip, start eating differently, start praying more, start reading more, start working out more, start WHATEVER today!!!!!

Holidays

The holidays this year have turned out to be completely different from years past. No rushing around stressing to get gifts. Just a simple Christmas spending quality time with the family. We did however decide to adopt a family and thanks to the contributions of many in the family (Nordstrom/Banse/Calender) we bought them a bunch of clothing, pots and pans, toys, etc.

Finally this Christmas i didn't feel alone, which i have felt every Christmas for a very long time... i think i'm finally at peace with myself, my life... i'm excited for the future. i'm OK being single and just dating around. i feel like my relationship with my mom, step dad, and sisters have flourished, and thanks to FB my aunt/uncle and cousins are a lot closer too.

This year these holidays are just another day for me, which i thought had the potential of sucking, but i had the best Christmas! For New Years i had originally planned to go to Flag for the pine cone drop, but due to all the snow and the fact that i start a "grown up job" Monday, i decided to stay back. Now i'm waking up in the morning, going to Fiesta Bowl parade with Alison Holden and planning on going to the block party tomorrow evening!!! Carpe Diem y Viva la Vida! hahaha..

Things are good, finally. Dad's pretty good - health wise, the rest of the family seems happy, i'm happy - single - ready to explore life/world... Yay!

So Happy Holidays to ya! I'm hoping it's been everything you never knew you always wanted : D

LIVE

i had an "epiphany" last night... something i've always known but never really followed through with. i've decided i'm going to LIVE! i do a lot of things that my guts tells me to do, and it hasn't steered me wrong yet. Instead of freaking out about my future i'm just going to live it. i'm filling out applications, reading books, praying and putting faith into my smaller gut to lead me.

i'm no longer bound by "but what if that's not what i'm supposed to do?". i'll figure it out as i go along. i'm 23, single, and have the world ahead of me. i need to start living for myself, keeping in mind all i've learned and open to learn more.

Today is a new day. Today i take charge. Today i start to just LIVE.