Press play people. Stop fast forwarding!

I'm a seminary student at Luther Seminary... right now we are in the season of Advent which is all about waiting.... It got me thinking about how awful we are at doing this well, and how much better our lives would be if we got better at it. Essentially - if we stop trying to rush through the painful times in our lives, and started living into them and dealing with them, then we could be on the road to a more holistic life, one of less self-hatred and addictions to cover up emotions we don't allow ourselves to have... Here's my quick lil facebook post for my #adventphotoaday #rethinkchurch during this season of Advent... I could give examples, but come up with your own. Read into it for yourself. Insert your suffering here:
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When in the midst of waiting for resurrection, for happiness, for healing, for joy, for life - oh hell, for us to stop feeling sick, for our wounded hearts to be mended from a breakup, for a job, for healing from the death of a loved one, for healing from a broken bone - we are so eager to "fast forward" and get to the GOOD stuff right? We tell other people that we "Hope you feel better soon... it will get better soon... get over it... at least it's not that bad... let's celebrate their life INSTEAD of mourning their death..." Essentially, let's put a bandaid on our shit and just keep moving forward, preferably faster.

But yo, a cut that isn't taken care of, can get infected and cause way more damage, sometimes fatal.

We're so quick to want to skip over the hardships and get to the good, that sometimes the wounds get deeper and more destructive...

Advent is all about waiting. Waiting for the birth of our savior. And damnit, sometimes we just want it to be Christmas already, fast forward... But living in advent, wrestling with and the naming of our hardships, will cause for a healthier looking scar in the long run.

Instead of pressing fast forward or pause, press play. Live into it. Feel it. Mourn, cry, yell, scream, be upset... Advent doesn't last forever. There is hope in the end... #time #adventphotoaday #rethinkchurch

Awkward.

I'm back!

Took a hiatus from the blogosphere because Seminary has been a doozie. It's been tons of fun though, and super thankful I'm here. I've been doing a lot of self care stuff, and getting in touch with "Who I am" (had to after my "who am i" post!!!). Still nowhere perfect and never will be, but I'm learning a lot and on my way to wholisitic living.

I have been inspired by the show Awkward. If you've never watched it, do it. It's awesome.

I'm ready to write again. My posts may be totally random, but you can guarantee that they will be real, authentic, honest, and maybe not always PG. I tend to curse a bunch, and share intimate details about myself. I do this for two reasons:
1. Because when I talk about my brokenness or bad shit that goes on it my life, I no longer have to suffer it alone.
2. Because I'm probs not the only one going through it. Maybe I can inspire or encourage with my authenticity?!

So here it goes... Stay along for the ride. It should be fun... Although, it is finals time so I may not post too much now, but, soon... Hang tight (as if I have a ton of readers HA!)

Peace.

To be or not to be..

A pastor? What kind of pastor?

I feel called, to what? Well, to too many freakin things. Here's the list (as of now):

1. Worship: How can we DO worship to embody who God, Christ, and the Holy spirit are? 
2. Music: How can we portray who God is through music? How can music be used to allow the Spirit to work through us? How can we use music to heal, to excite, to empower? How can I use my musical talent to help the world know the God that I love?
3. Justice: How can Christian leaders impact the lives of the people around them to promote justice? How do we live into tension with those who don't see the same justices as we do? 
4. Identity: How do I keep my identity? How do I create a pastoral identity of my own? What makes up our identity? How do I help others to find theirs?
5. Pastoral Care: How do I create safe spaces to invite people in? How do I find the resources to help those who are broken? How do I help those who are suffering and how can I walk along side of them? How do I continue to love people and be a person that they can come to?
6. Outcasts: How do I continue to hear the voices of the outcasts when I am an "authority figure" within a church? How do I give voice to the outcasts?
7. Youth: How do we use the youth as an integral part of the faith community? How do we give them voice?
8. Young adults: SAME as above
9. Service: How do we do service without just being the "messiah" for a week on a mission trip? How can we be doing relational service?

What I fear (just a few off the top of my head):

1. Being put on a pedestal 
2. Rejection
3. Losing my human-ness
4. Not having answers for those with questions
5. Impossibility will win over possibility
6. Failure
7. Mis-representation

I could "unpack" all of these in much more depth, but that may be cause for a novel...

Who I am that may hinder my position of "authority":

1. Broken... Oh wait, that's all of us!

I'm wrestling with who I am, the healing I need to endure, and who God calls me to be. I'm resistant to becoming a pastor because of my brokenness, insecurities, and fear of how the world will react to me as a leader in the church... Do I have what it takes?

God calls the lowly to do great things. God brings possibility out of impossibility. Jesus tends to the outcasts. 

Is God calling me the lowly, impossible outcast to do something bigger than I believe that I can? 

Discernment is a bitch...

Who Have I Become?

Remember how I said I was messed up?!?! Here's just a taste. Warning it's a bit "graphic" and the language chosen was deemed appropriate since I've been dating A LOT of black men who talk like this.... I can explain some later, if you ask... otherwise, enjoy.

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Who Have I Become?

Who have I become? I only think about myself…

Who I’ll date, who I’ll fuck… Put my morals on the shelf

I have students I need to care about and my friendships to tend to

And what should be above all, my relationship with God and family, not a boo.

Somehow family became bottom of my list; who I’m screwin became number 1.

What kind of life is that? In desperate search of a non existent no one…

I need to rearrange my priorities, chics before dicks right?

And by chics I mean homies, and me and my fam should get back to bein tight.

Why do I give my time to them “niggas who just want my Ku Kush”?

Why do I waste my precious life boozing up and fuckin around with deuche(s)?

I used to think so many good things for my life…

Like being remembered as someone who helped others out of strife.

Is it true what they say, that to be loved you must love yourself first?

But I did love myself… I spose key word being did and then I let it go in a hearse.

Why did I let go of a woman that was so dear?

How did I lose my life and let it become so unclear?

I guess I handled heartbreak in the worst way that I could

He didn’t give me enough sex, so I fucked many men that would.

I sought attention from him, and when it wasn’t received,

I went and sought attention from someone else, who realized I breathe.

Or is that a fucking excuse? Do I really just seek approval from a man?

Oh wait… psychologists tell me its because I never got it from my dad.

A year and a half ago, I decided to get a trainer and join a gym.

I lost 84 pounds and felt amazing for myself and did none of it for a “him.”  

Shit got rough with my dad, and we weren’t sure he’d make it through,

So I stuffed my face and didn’t visit the gym, and now feel like Baloo.

Maybe I wanted to feel like shit because it became safe, comfortable, known…

Well now that I say that, how longs it gunna take me to take this new path that is shown?

Don’t I deserve to be happy? Don’t I deserve to feel superb?!

Don’t I owe it to myself to love me, I mean hell, I’ve spent my whole life with her.

When am I going to stop bitching and start grabbing the bull by its balls?

When am I going to realize that not picking myself up is worse than taking the falls?

Now that the question of “Who have I become” has been asked,

It’s time to move forward, and tell that Kinna to kiss my ass J

Long overdue

SO I haven't written in a LOOOOOONG while! And I don't know why I stopped! It's such a good release for me. What I write about often changes. Used to be a lot of God and Jesus and how to live a compassionate life. Then how I wasn't ready for any relationship. Then how I got in one and it broke me down.... And now, I think it's time to share some real, deep, personal issues and thoughts. 24 has been a good, crazy, fun year, but also one of the shittiest, heart wrenching awful years yet... I'll get to it all eventually, I'm sure. I'm not trying to dwell in the past, but hoping that writing down the past will help me move forward to my future... It's amazing what you learn about yourself as you write.

I feel like a Carrie Bradshaw - Who by the way, has inspired and empowered me in a lot of ways - but my blogs may be a lot about dating, because that's just where I am in my life right now. Some call it boy crazy. I call it loneliness in search to fill an empty void (which BTW - no man can really fill....).

So yeah, I'm kind of messed up, but I'm ready to share, and hope maybe you can learn from my mistakes... I've made many!

-Kinna

Self Validation

Still wrestling with this... Never posted this! Figured I should:
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Is it just me, or do you search for validity in others?  Typically I need to hear that I am loved, that I am doing a good job, and/or that I am a good person in order to believe it.  But not only be told that once, but to be reminded of it.  I am a words of affirmation kind of gal.  I need to be told what it good, and what is bad to affirm what I believe.

Now that being said, while I don't think it's an awful cross to bear, it does make it difficult to go through life... When I don't receive validation from my loved ones, bosses, co-workers, the people I date, I tend to doubt myself, rather harshly.  I need to know from others that I am OK.  But why do I need the approval of others?

If I am a certain way, love myself for that, and am secure in that "way", then shant that be enough?!?!

Funk

So I'm in a funk...

Just got out of a 4.5 month "relationship" - I've never really been in one and I wasn't sure about diving into this one but I did. And it was amazing, in the beginning. And then it got hard. And then it was really hard. And then it was just awful and I was constantly unhappy... and then I did something stupid...

So then we break up, really amazing break-up. Decided to stay friends and see where life lands us in January when he graduates. Sounds great right? It sucks. It's so hard... I see him and I still think boyfriend. Then when I look for comfort in the fact that maybe he misses me too, he tells me "a lil, but we should stay friends cuz I'm so busy"...

It's over, I'm free, I can date and meet people. I'm happy, but I'm dying inside, pretty much all the time. Why doesn't he miss me? I'm a hell of a catch. I was soooo loving to him, and patient, and understanding. WTF is all I can think.

Now I'm just angry which ain't healthy either. But it helps with the pain. Except when I think of being the rebound. I'm in no rush to get into another relationship cuz this breaking up stuff is hard to do. But I miss being with someone. I'm lonely, but I don't want to go back.

I need someone who makes time for me.
I need someone who asks about my dad.
I need someone who can't get enough of me.
I need someone who won't make me feel inconvenient.
Someone who makes me feel like the only woman in the room.
Someone who is honest with me.
Someone who believes in Jesus and is actively pursuing it.
Someone who thinks the world of me.
Someone who can make me laugh.
Someone who thinks I'm funny (cuz I think I am haha)


And I want to find that person and be the same for them... maybe in time...

Eh, I'm done writing. I'm feeling a little better. Hope this post ain't a bore ;)