Holidays

The holidays this year have turned out to be completely different from years past. No rushing around stressing to get gifts. Just a simple Christmas spending quality time with the family. We did however decide to adopt a family and thanks to the contributions of many in the family (Nordstrom/Banse/Calender) we bought them a bunch of clothing, pots and pans, toys, etc.

Finally this Christmas i didn't feel alone, which i have felt every Christmas for a very long time... i think i'm finally at peace with myself, my life... i'm excited for the future. i'm OK being single and just dating around. i feel like my relationship with my mom, step dad, and sisters have flourished, and thanks to FB my aunt/uncle and cousins are a lot closer too.

This year these holidays are just another day for me, which i thought had the potential of sucking, but i had the best Christmas! For New Years i had originally planned to go to Flag for the pine cone drop, but due to all the snow and the fact that i start a "grown up job" Monday, i decided to stay back. Now i'm waking up in the morning, going to Fiesta Bowl parade with Alison Holden and planning on going to the block party tomorrow evening!!! Carpe Diem y Viva la Vida! hahaha..

Things are good, finally. Dad's pretty good - health wise, the rest of the family seems happy, i'm happy - single - ready to explore life/world... Yay!

So Happy Holidays to ya! I'm hoping it's been everything you never knew you always wanted : D

LIVE

i had an "epiphany" last night... something i've always known but never really followed through with. i've decided i'm going to LIVE! i do a lot of things that my guts tells me to do, and it hasn't steered me wrong yet. Instead of freaking out about my future i'm just going to live it. i'm filling out applications, reading books, praying and putting faith into my smaller gut to lead me.

i'm no longer bound by "but what if that's not what i'm supposed to do?". i'll figure it out as i go along. i'm 23, single, and have the world ahead of me. i need to start living for myself, keeping in mind all i've learned and open to learn more.

Today is a new day. Today i take charge. Today i start to just LIVE.

marriage, love, committed relationships = scary

i'm at a point in my life where i can't even fathom marriage. i want to think that it is that incredible "thing" where two people make a dedication for the rest of their lives to one another. They help each other to continually grow and influence positive change. Their love resonates throughout their lives together to everyone they meet. Marriage maybe is saying "i have chosen to make a promise to love you, a messy kind of love that isn't always rainbows and butterflies; i have chosen to fight for you, to be solely with you, to be intimate with you, to lift you up and to push you forward"

i'm at a point in my life where i also can't even fathom love or a committed relationship. i don't see it and i can't feel it or touch it or smell it or taste it... but i'm ready to do it. i believe in love as the verb. i'm doing ok at it in every day living, but i don't know how to do it in a committed relationship. i've never really had one, and i don't know what it's like to be loved and to love that someone in return.

There are relationship people, and then there is me; a non-relationship person. i don't have boyfriends or serious relationships. i have "one night stands", crushes here and there, constant going after guys i can't have, fear of allowing someone to love me whom i love it return. It's scary. That person has the power to crush your heart, and the repairs could take forever to heal. Who'd want to risk that? Maybe i just haven't found anyone worth risking it for...

Or maybe, all of this topic of love/relationships/marriage is mumbo jumbo and i'm just supposed to live, be single and available for loving all people and not putting too much energy in one relationship.

Meh - it's all intangible and foreign to me. And i'm realizing that it just freaks me out.