Example: tonight I had an interview with a church. It wasn't a horrible interview, but I was answering the questions authentically instead of trying to say "here's what you need, and here's how I will be that." I just can't do that...
So my shame talk tries to sneak in - you're not good enough, you're not "justicey" enough for them, you aren't equipped for youth ministry, they are better than you, etc. etc.
I've learned through my reading and studying of Brene Brown, that the only way to conquer this shame is to talk about it, to not let it fester within me alone. So that's what I'm doing...
I'm on the verge of tears and not sure why. Is it just complete exhaustion from the weekend/week? Is it because I know this place isn't a good fit and I'm putting the "blame" on myself? Is it because I am seeing that I'm not perfect and can't be all things to all people and for some reason this reality bothers my addicted, need-to-be-perfect self?
The future has limitless possibilities which is exciting, and terrifying. I felt called to seminary, and sometimes still do. But I also feel called to go out into the world and put my passionate/relational self to good use outside of the seminary, outside of church walls...
Oh Lord help me find peace in the midst of uncertainty, and to remember the gifts you have given me and remember they are enough.
PS. Not looking for sympathy or answers, just sharing so that I don't bear it alone.
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