Raw cry for help #unedited

I'm not doing well. My depression is sinking in, exhausted all the time. I'm obsessing over a guy I really care about, and I really don't want to but can't help it. I've started craving desserts and soda's again, though I haven't had any. A pint of icecream sounds incredible right now and I wish I could just indulge. I feel like I'm spirialing downwards again. Writing this is taking all the energy I have today, and it's my cry for help. Spent the past few nights shaking and helpless in bed praying for help. The insanity has returned to my brain... Not sure why, but here's a few thoughts:

1. I was eating bagels and creamcheese a lot, not realizing how much sugar is in them.
2. I have been drinking ciders not realizing the sugar in those (or pretending not to).
3. I fell for a guy I met in St Louis, and he isn't the best at texting - and while I am not having insecure thoughts when I don't hear from him, my shame voice keeps kicking in saying "way to go Kinna, found another one that isn't right for you" and "Damnit Kinna, you ain't ever going to find someone because you're too fuckin' crazy" and "way to go thinking you could actually have someone who treats you well... you're an idiot for even thinking about rearranging your future for him."
4. I've been having a lot of insecure feelings about the future, not good enough for certain jobs, not smart enough, not nice enough.
5. On my birthday I felt utterly alone (other than at work and skyping my family). No friends asking me to do anything, feeling like a total victim and hurt, but trying not to. And trying not to envy other people showing pictures of how great their birthdays are with their friends and family.
6. I cried a lot on Valentines day, even though I tried REALLY HARD not to. Again the feeling of being entirely alone set it - flowers delivered to the house not for me - but I did get a Vday gift from my mom and a random friend from school that I don't hang out with. Spent the day entirely insecure about everything...
7. I've been isolating myself, spent most of today sleeping, or binge watching tv, waiting, hoping, praying for him to text or call and he never did.

I feel like I'm not alive. Like things are happening around me, but I'm not really in them. I get offended easily, jealous easily, hurt easily. I'm obsessing extremely. I really want to go to the gym, but can't get myself there. I just sit. numb. waiting to feel life through something other than myself. and then beating myself up for it. I'm stuck in a maze and can't seem to find my way out, at least not alone, but finding it really difficult to reach out.

And the best friend that I have here, I feel like a nuisance to. I feel like I talk too much about myself around her. My relationship with her has felt different for a while now, and I don't know why. I'm just aching, trying to find belonging. Right now I'm only seeming to find it at HN.

Thoughts of self harm are back. I'm tired, alone, weak, sad, tempted, hurting... Need help in finding the promises again.