Who Have I Become?

Remember how I said I was messed up?!?! Here's just a taste. Warning it's a bit "graphic" and the language chosen was deemed appropriate since I've been dating A LOT of black men who talk like this.... I can explain some later, if you ask... otherwise, enjoy.

_____________________________________________________________________

Who Have I Become?

Who have I become? I only think about myself…

Who I’ll date, who I’ll fuck… Put my morals on the shelf

I have students I need to care about and my friendships to tend to

And what should be above all, my relationship with God and family, not a boo.

Somehow family became bottom of my list; who I’m screwin became number 1.

What kind of life is that? In desperate search of a non existent no one…

I need to rearrange my priorities, chics before dicks right?

And by chics I mean homies, and me and my fam should get back to bein tight.

Why do I give my time to them “niggas who just want my Ku Kush”?

Why do I waste my precious life boozing up and fuckin around with deuche(s)?

I used to think so many good things for my life…

Like being remembered as someone who helped others out of strife.

Is it true what they say, that to be loved you must love yourself first?

But I did love myself… I spose key word being did and then I let it go in a hearse.

Why did I let go of a woman that was so dear?

How did I lose my life and let it become so unclear?

I guess I handled heartbreak in the worst way that I could

He didn’t give me enough sex, so I fucked many men that would.

I sought attention from him, and when it wasn’t received,

I went and sought attention from someone else, who realized I breathe.

Or is that a fucking excuse? Do I really just seek approval from a man?

Oh wait… psychologists tell me its because I never got it from my dad.

A year and a half ago, I decided to get a trainer and join a gym.

I lost 84 pounds and felt amazing for myself and did none of it for a “him.”  

Shit got rough with my dad, and we weren’t sure he’d make it through,

So I stuffed my face and didn’t visit the gym, and now feel like Baloo.

Maybe I wanted to feel like shit because it became safe, comfortable, known…

Well now that I say that, how longs it gunna take me to take this new path that is shown?

Don’t I deserve to be happy? Don’t I deserve to feel superb?!

Don’t I owe it to myself to love me, I mean hell, I’ve spent my whole life with her.

When am I going to stop bitching and start grabbing the bull by its balls?

When am I going to realize that not picking myself up is worse than taking the falls?

Now that the question of “Who have I become” has been asked,

It’s time to move forward, and tell that Kinna to kiss my ass J

Long overdue

SO I haven't written in a LOOOOOONG while! And I don't know why I stopped! It's such a good release for me. What I write about often changes. Used to be a lot of God and Jesus and how to live a compassionate life. Then how I wasn't ready for any relationship. Then how I got in one and it broke me down.... And now, I think it's time to share some real, deep, personal issues and thoughts. 24 has been a good, crazy, fun year, but also one of the shittiest, heart wrenching awful years yet... I'll get to it all eventually, I'm sure. I'm not trying to dwell in the past, but hoping that writing down the past will help me move forward to my future... It's amazing what you learn about yourself as you write.

I feel like a Carrie Bradshaw - Who by the way, has inspired and empowered me in a lot of ways - but my blogs may be a lot about dating, because that's just where I am in my life right now. Some call it boy crazy. I call it loneliness in search to fill an empty void (which BTW - no man can really fill....).

So yeah, I'm kind of messed up, but I'm ready to share, and hope maybe you can learn from my mistakes... I've made many!

-Kinna

Self Validation

Still wrestling with this... Never posted this! Figured I should:
____________________________________________________________

Is it just me, or do you search for validity in others?  Typically I need to hear that I am loved, that I am doing a good job, and/or that I am a good person in order to believe it.  But not only be told that once, but to be reminded of it.  I am a words of affirmation kind of gal.  I need to be told what it good, and what is bad to affirm what I believe.

Now that being said, while I don't think it's an awful cross to bear, it does make it difficult to go through life... When I don't receive validation from my loved ones, bosses, co-workers, the people I date, I tend to doubt myself, rather harshly.  I need to know from others that I am OK.  But why do I need the approval of others?

If I am a certain way, love myself for that, and am secure in that "way", then shant that be enough?!?!

Funk

So I'm in a funk...

Just got out of a 4.5 month "relationship" - I've never really been in one and I wasn't sure about diving into this one but I did. And it was amazing, in the beginning. And then it got hard. And then it was really hard. And then it was just awful and I was constantly unhappy... and then I did something stupid...

So then we break up, really amazing break-up. Decided to stay friends and see where life lands us in January when he graduates. Sounds great right? It sucks. It's so hard... I see him and I still think boyfriend. Then when I look for comfort in the fact that maybe he misses me too, he tells me "a lil, but we should stay friends cuz I'm so busy"...

It's over, I'm free, I can date and meet people. I'm happy, but I'm dying inside, pretty much all the time. Why doesn't he miss me? I'm a hell of a catch. I was soooo loving to him, and patient, and understanding. WTF is all I can think.

Now I'm just angry which ain't healthy either. But it helps with the pain. Except when I think of being the rebound. I'm in no rush to get into another relationship cuz this breaking up stuff is hard to do. But I miss being with someone. I'm lonely, but I don't want to go back.

I need someone who makes time for me.
I need someone who asks about my dad.
I need someone who can't get enough of me.
I need someone who won't make me feel inconvenient.
Someone who makes me feel like the only woman in the room.
Someone who is honest with me.
Someone who believes in Jesus and is actively pursuing it.
Someone who thinks the world of me.
Someone who can make me laugh.
Someone who thinks I'm funny (cuz I think I am haha)


And I want to find that person and be the same for them... maybe in time...

Eh, I'm done writing. I'm feeling a little better. Hope this post ain't a bore ;)

It's scary when life is so good...

Do you ever notice how when things just start going so well for you in life, you think you've figured things out, you maybe start falling for someone, you're excited for new adventures, the people you love are happy and in good health, ya know... when things are just going well... and then all of a sudden they're not.

I always get scared when I'm really happy, because I know something is about to creep around the corner and destroy it. I try to live into that happiness while it lasts because it's sooooo amazing... but I try to keep a distance so that when it's over it doesn't hurt quite as bad. 

However, it always hurts... rejection, loneliness, pain, sorrow, disappointment, fear, anger, resentment... seem to creep their way back in.

My life, as I'm sure many peoples life, is just on big Katy Perry song.... Hot and Cold.

Resolutions - why wait til New Years?!

So i'm all for people making goals for themselves, and if they need the boost of New Years to help them set goals, then great! At least they're setting them right?!?! But i say, why wait?! Why wait to improve your life somehow. Why not today (well, today is New Years, but ya know what i mean)?!?!

i made a goal for myself at the end of July that i wanted to lose 100 pounds in a year. i've already lost 60 and it's been roughly 5 months. So i'm over half way there! YAY! But now i'm thinking more, ok i want to have lost 100lbs by the end of May, and i want to train to run in a half marathon after i've lost all that weight.

i try to make goals for myself everyday, whether it's "today i'm going to be a better teacher in this aspect" or "i'm going to eat perfectly" or "i'm going to talk to a homeless person" or "i'm going to actively set aside time to do nothing and sit in silence". i don't physically write them down or always consciously think about it, but i am always trying to improve, move forward ya know!?

Nobody's perfect right? but i'm pretty sure we all have aspirations in life, and i say why wait? Do it today! Be happy today! Be healthy NOW! Love someone NOW! Make a difference NOW! Start saving to go on that trip, start eating differently, start praying more, start reading more, start working out more, start WHATEVER today!!!!!